Please take the time to read this. It’s a heartfelt statement from Kara, ‘s ex-girlfriend, who went through something no one should have to go through again. Although I wasn’t physically abused by like Kara unfortunately was, I have felt many of the mental side effects from his lies, abuse, theft and betrayal.
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January 19, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
I refuse to give an emotional, victim-type statement. What I will do is state the facts, with my intention being nothing more than protecting any possible future victims of ‘s lies, bullying, manipulation and abuse. I have no desire for revenge, as that is not my responsibility. What goes around, comes around…eventually. Bad people destroy themselves. What did to me and my young children was unimaginable. The physical harm he has inflicted upon me is one thing, but, by harming me, he also cruelly victimized my 3 young daughters. My home is built upon a structure of love, grace and forgiveness. used our weaknesses to weave his way into our lives, pretending to love and care about us, all while living a double life. He referred to me as his wife, to my daughters as his daughters, and to all of us as his family. There are 4 hearts under my roof that will continue to fall asleep heartbroken tonight as this nightmare has unraveled.
Shame on you, . Shame on you for betraying me while I loyally stood by your side. Shame on you for having the ability to look me in the eyes for nearly 2 years and lie about who you were, about your behavior and about your intentions. Shame on you for betraying the innocent faith of 3 little girls who loved you unconditionally and called you daddy. Shame on you.
My relationship with officially began in early April of 2011 and ended on December 27, 2012. This is my statement about what took place that day:
On Thursday, December 27, 2012 I was at work until approximately 3:15pm. When I arrived home was here. I had been talking to him on the phone while I was driving, so I hung up when I walked in the door and heard him coming down the stairs. He asked me to sit down and talk, which I agreed to do. The conversation got heated at times, because I was attempting to end the relationship and that is not want he wanted. He spent a great deal of time trying to convince me he was being honest with me, that he was not cheating or in contact with other women, that his intentions were to marry me, that his desire was for the relationship to continue. “You are my wife and those are my children”, he said several times. He discussed future plans, even requesting for us to immediately start looking for a home together because he wanted me to move to Chicago with my children when his lease is up in May. I was very honest with him and let him know I did not currently have enough faith in him to be able to leave my life here and move my children into the same home as him. I only give specifics about this because I know that there are women out there right now that were under the impression he and I were no longer together. I was later able to confirm that he had, indeed, been seeing several other women within the last few months of our relationship and claiming to me that he had not had any contact with them. He was able to smooth over the initial argument, although at one point he had knocked my purse and car keys out of my hand when I attempted to leave my home. He asked me if we could just go get dinner and I agreed. Within the next few minutes another argument erupted and I no longer wanted him in my home. I asked him to leave and he said no. I attempted to leave and he would not allow me to go. He was acting horrible and selfish and I told him I no longer wanted him in my life, that I wanted to start the New Year off “new” and that I did not want his drama and lies to be part of it anymore. I demanded the relationship be over and that he leave immediately. That is when he snapped. He was standing to my right side. I remember hearing him yell, “Fine!” and I immediately knew I was in trouble. I was immediately terrified for my life. has been aggressive and abusive in the past (not only with me but in previous relationships) and I knew when I needed to be afraid. His entire demeanor changes and there is nothing but evil in his eyes. Within seconds, he used his arm to clear nearly everything off of my countertop and I saw him reach for a heavy wooden and metal box that sits on the corner of my counter. I saw the rage in his eyes as he turned towards me and lifted it above his head. It all happened very quickly, but I realized what was happening. He was standing 2-3 feet away from me as he raised the box above his head. I only had a split second to turn away, and he threw the box as hard as he could. It hit me in the back of the head with such force that hit threw me across my kitchen floor and knocked the gum out of my mouth as I fell face first to the floor. Everything went completely black and I could not get up. I felt the most excruciating pain in the back of my head, down my neck into my shoulders. Everything became very warm and I thought it was blood running everywhere. I literally was in so much pain I couldn’t touch the back of my head. I was afraid to touch it because I had no idea what I would find. I was crying and screaming for help. panicked and attempted to stand me up. I told him I needed help. He refused to let me leave…he told me I was hurt badly and he wouldn’t allow me to go. He also would not allow me to call for help. He took me into my living room and sat me down on the couch. He took a bag of frozen fruit from my freezer and told me to put it on my head. He said he had to make sure I was ok…but he wouldn’t let me get help. He was pacing in my kitchen as I sat on my living room couch crying and in desperate pain. I got up and once again attempted to leave. He held his hand against the door and wouldn’t let me out. I went to try to leave through the front door and he followed me through the house, cutting me off wherever I walked. I tried to get to my bedroom and lock the door, but he chased me up the stairs and pushed his way in before I could get it locked. I then ran for the master bathroom inside of my bedroom, but I, again, could not get the door locked before he pushed his way in. I had hidden my phone in the back waistband of my jeans, because I knew he would take it from me. He had asked several times where my phone was. He asked again and refused to let me out of his sight because he said, “You’ll call for help” and “you’ll call the police”. He told me if I tried to call he would “break the [email protected]#*&%$ phone”. At this point I admit I was dishonest with him. I was terrified for my life. I began telling him what he wanted to hear. I remembered that I had a spare set of keys in my purse, so I allowed him to watch as I put my main set of keys in a drawer in the bathroom. I said, “See? I’m not trying to get away.” I told him I just needed to get away from him. I became so overwhelmed with fear and I knew I just needed to get away. He held his hand against my bedroom door and refused to let me out. He told me to sit down on the bed so we could “talk this out”. I said no, that I wanted to leave. He then told me to kick me, slap me, hit him, kick me in the balls as hard as I could…to do whatever would make me feel better or would make me sit down and agree to talk this out with him. I told him I just needed to get away from him. He agreed to let me go on a walk in front of my home. He then let me leave the bedroom, but followed right behind me. I knew I needed to leave from the back door, because I needed to try to get my spare keys and get into my jeep to get away. As I walked out the back door, I had my purse on my arm and was attempting to sneak the spare set of keys out of my purse without him seeing. He then panicked, thinking I was calling someone. I lifted up the back of my shirt to show him that my phone was in my waistband and I said, “See? Here is my phone, I’m not trying to call anyone. I promise.” When I was able to pull my spare keys from my purse, he heart them jingle and he yelled, “You have extra keys.” I knew I had to get into my jeep, but keep him out of it. As I ran for the driver’s side door, I locked all of the doors so he couldn’t get into the passenger door (which he tried to do). I then hit the unlock button once, which only unlocks the driver’s side door. I knew I only had seconds to pull this off or he would get to me. I have no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to get away. He tried to get into the jeep but was locked out. I started the jeep and put it in reverse as quickly as possible. I drove to a doctor’s office that is just outside of my subdivision and attempted to call the police. I was too afraid and too shaken up. I was afraid to call the police on him because of what the consequences from him would be. I was badly injured, my vision was blurry and I was already thinking about what he would do if I attempted to get help. I dialed the number to the police department twice, canceling the phone call both times, out of fear. I then got a text message from , asking me to give him 45 minutes for him to get all of his things from my home and agreeing to leave on the train back to Chicago and that he wouldn’t contact me again. I knew it wasn’t the truth. I knew he wouldn’t “go away”. I knew he would continue to re-enter my life and cause me harm if I wasn’t brave enough to get help. I called one of my best friends who was at dinner with her family at the time of the call. She said my speech was slurred and she couldn’t understand anything I was saying. When she realized what was going on, she demanded I call the police immediately. She said if I didn’t, that she would. She raced to me as fast as she could and I used every ounce of courage I could and I called the police. Within minutes, two officers arrived and saw my injuries. They told me I needed to give them permission to go to my home and arrest . They told me I needed to get to the hospital immediately for my injuries and asked my permission to call an ambulance. I was too scared to let them arrest him. I was a mess. I was in pain, disoriented, and in pieces emotionally from what had just happened. I was still shaking and terrified. The officer convinced me to give them permission to go arrest him, telling me that my injuries were severe and if I didn’t let them arrest him this time, next time I could be dead.
As they drove away to arrest him, I cried. I cried for him and I cried because of the fear I felt for myself and my family. I immediately began to mourn, knowing full well I would never see ever again. Over the almost 2 year span, I loved . I loved him. I was honest with him, dedicated to him…loyal to him when he was not loyal to me. I stood by him and accepted him and forgave him. I took him into my home as a family member. He was loved unconditionally. I tried. I tried to help him escape the abuse and damage from his past that has caused so much dysfunction and anger in his life. I did my best to provide him with a safe place to fall when the world was a very dark place. My home was always a haven of love for him. I sat in that parking lot crying, knowing they were arresting him just blocks away. I cried because I knew that if he had the ability to change, he would have done it by now. I cried because I knew if there was a loving soul inside of his body, it would have fought its way to the surface by now. If there was even an ounce of him that wanted to be a good and honest man, there would have been no better or safer time to make those choices then when he was surrounded by the love and support that we offered him. But he didn’t choose it. He chose to continue to lie and manipulate us. He chose to spend his weeks getting drunk and taking other women home and lying to “his family” about what kind of a man he is. He betrayed every ounce of trust that I ever had in him. I do not want anyone to ever hurt the way he has hurt me. Physically or emotionally. No human being deserves that. I am not perfect, but I am a good, respectable woman. I did not ever deserve the mistreatment from him. I didn’t deserve the names he would call me. I didn’t deserve the shouting in my face, the threats or the intimidation tactics he used. I didn’t deserve the physical abuse. I didn’t fight back that night. I do remember saying, “I’m not going to touch you. I refuse to let your ugliness make me as ugly as it has you.” There was enough poison in the house that night.
It wasn’t until I was able to take a step back that I was able to see how intensely he controlled me…or just how bad and abusive that relationship was. So many people had told me to get away (including his family members and former staff). I stayed. I chose to blindly trust in and believe in the small glimpse I would occasionally get from the “kind “. Now I realize I never knew . What I believed in was a lie. Everything he called me to be loyal to was a lie. His love for me and my children had to have been a complete lie. Many of you reading this may not have the same faith as I do, but this is my standard for love:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
So everything from him was a lie. It was certainly not love.
On December 27, 2012, at 7:23 pm, was arrested on charges of felony battery, aggravated assault with a dangerous/deadly weapon, intimidation and interference with reporting a crime and I went to the emergency room with a concussion. It has been over 3 weeks now and the back of my head is still sore where a bump still remains. There is no relief from the headache that I wake up with every day. There is no relief from the nightmares I suffer from every night. Nightmares about him getting into my home and murdering me. Nightmares about him hurting my children. Nightmares about being murdered in front of my children. I wake up paralyzed in fear that he is in my home and is going to hurt my family. My vision has not returned to normal and I now stutter when I speak. I become easily disoriented and lose track of where I am or what I’m doing. I forget what I’m trying to say. I become easily flustered and confused. I have memories that are forgotten; Gaps in time that I have no recollection of. I am suffering from PTSD and it affects my life daily. I have no idea when I will be released to return to work. I see a neurologist this coming Tuesday, January 22. Please keep me in your thoughts.
December 27th was the end of a relationship that I will mourn for quite some time. It’s the reality that two years of memories were a sham. Two years of life that existed, but really didn’t. The pain is real, but right now that’s all I’m sure of. , shame on you. Shame on you for betraying my trust to the point that I don’t know how I will ever trust anyone ever again. Shame on you for what you’ve done. Shame on you for hurting me and 3 innocent little girls for your selfish gain. You are everything you promised you weren’t. You are everything that you swore to protect “our” family from. You always demanded loyalty but, in the end, couldn’t provide an ounce of it in return to the people who loved you more than anything else in this world.
I’m not completely concerned with what is decided within the walls of that courtroom, because no punishment will teach you what you need to learn from this. A good man is not made from punishment. A good man is born of good choices. No judge can order that. The only man that can change your choices is you. You’ve never been affected by the consequences you’ve had on other people’s lives. So I’m curious how dark the consequences in your own life will have to get before there’s no where else to go, except up. When will the day come where you look yourself in the mirror and simply can’t do it anymore. Choose a side. Pick a life. Quit living a lie. This really is such a shame. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Your anger, selfishness and lack of self control resulted in the blow to the back of my head that has left me injured and devastated. You crossed the line. You blew it. Game over.
(By the way, after I was able to get away and call for help, it was confirmed that stayed at the home, took a shower, blowdried his hair, packed his bags and then proceeded to make toast while he waited for his cab to arrive. My favorite teddy bear is missing, too, so I’m assuming he has something to do with that. An accident? A coincident? Genuinely sorry? No, I don’t think so.)
It was never my original desire to have any of this come out. I was prepared to quietly allow the court system to do it’s job and potentially allow to “get away” with this. My home, since the incident, has been far more predictable and far more peaceful. The unnecesarry drama has disappeared. However, since someone obtained the police report, I have been approached by far too many people that have been affected by his manipulation and lies. I woke up this morning to police reports published on my FB wall. I could deactivate my account again and run, or I can take a simple, honest stand against what has been done. If I can help prevent even one more person from getting hurt, making this statement has been fully worth it. Although this is being published on Facebook (which is anything but private), I ask that everyone remain respectful of my personal privacy. I have provided you with what you want, which is the truth. My life is anything but a joy ride right now and I ask to be left alone so we can continue to heal from this. It all comes down to being in the midst of a crisis and deciding between “fight, flight or freeze”. To tell you the truth, I’m kinda tired of feeling frozen…and I definitely don’t have wings. Only one option left.
Kara (Rittenour) Amstutz
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